“You did this to yourself!”

I never wanted any of this to happen. I didn’t want to be in pain. I didn’t want to cut myself off from such a large part of the world. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was young little more than a small child. Can a child be blamed for doing the only thing they can to survive?

In a way I was told to do this. It was the only way to stay away from the sickness that constantly put me in the hospital. The doctors said to take a medicine but those only hurt me so my mom had me stop taking them. Instead I was told to watch for triggers. My new prescription from the doctors was avoidance.

I learned to keep myself safe. I stayed away from new situations that could get me sick. Learned what I did and didn’t like. I stayed well within my bubble of safe foods. I liked them. Why would I need anything else?

But there was a price to be paid for my safety.

A price to be paid in the form of pain as my bones creaked under their own weakness and my muscles cramped. A price to be paid in the form of friendship as I stayed away from gatherings where there would be food like dates. A price to be paid in the form of my confidence being shattered as I was shamed by well meaning parents and friends trying to get me to leave my bubble of safe foods. A price to be paid in the form of knowledge as my avoidance had left me naive.

And the constant words in the back of my mind. “You did this to yourself!”

A part of me fights against it. I’m sick of the shame. “Did I?! What choice did I have?! I never wanted this!”

“I was told to survive!” I scream at the shame. “I did as I was told! If I could change I would but I don’t know how!”

“How do you not know?” everyone seems to say. “It’s obvious.”

“Obvious? Finding out how to undo 18 years of habits and instincts is obvious?! Its obvious how I can gain weight when all you ever do is talk about losing it? Obvious how I can face my challenges when all I ever learned was how to run away from them?!”

“We tried helping you! You refused us!”

“By making me feel worse?! Making me feel ashamed about everything and pushing me to the point where I only ate out of a sense of fear? Out of a need to gain some acceptance from you?”

“What do you want then?”

“I want to not feel ashamed. I want to learn. I want to stop being afraid. I want to be healthy. I want to be confident again. I want to be who I was meant to be.”

So stop saying I did this to myself. I never wanted this. I never had a choice. Don’t call me dumb for not knowing what you learned so fast. Please be patient with me. I’m new to all of this. I may seem slow but its more progress than I’ve made in years. You can help me out but don’t push me too hard or try and shame me. I’ve had enough of that in my life.

Who knows? Maybe we can learn from each other?