It wasn’t that I wanted this
I never wanted to end up like this
But then again who does?
When the sickness first happened
Everyone told me there was nothing I could do
I just had to avoid what would cause it.
“Avoid the triggers”
It sounded harmless
It sounded healthy.
After all if I didn’t
I would just get hurt again
It was better this way.
I learned what to do
Started avoiding
Stopped trying new things.
Stayed “safe.”
Actions turned into
Habits which turned into
Instincts.
It wasn’t until the pain started
That I started realizing
Something was wrong.
Cramps in my feet at night
Pain in my knees all the time
Feeling like I was about to fall apart.
I told myself
Nothing was wrong
It was random.
But a part of me knew
The truth,
I had done this.
Finally, on my knees
My eyes were opened
And I began to see
Others were not like me
They had all been picky eaters
And yet they were free.
How could this be?
What had I done?
How is this what I have become?
So now I stand
At the bottom of a hole
Wondering how I can get back into control.
How do you break
eighteen years
Worth of
Actions
Habits
Instincts?
Did I lose my health?
Or
Did I never have it to begin with?
My Secret Universe 